and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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