I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
