I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
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She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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