If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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