I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
