I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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