She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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