I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
