He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
