I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Your cock deserves a montage
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
