it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
