I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
