oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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