I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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