Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
