so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
