just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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