oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
