I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
