dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
