I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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