This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Randomize
