I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
