he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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