i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
