apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
