it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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