Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I think I won the penis lottery.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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