Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
