My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Randomize
