I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
