The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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