i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Randomize
