Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
