I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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