In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
