Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
