omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
