My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
