He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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