I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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