in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
