i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
