yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
