the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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