i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
