Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
