So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
FUCK WHALES
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
