if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
