Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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