I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
