I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
