Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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