i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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