I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
