someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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