I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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