You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
25 Porn Addicts Admit Their Biggest Pet Peeves
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
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nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"